Well, I've officially been stripped of my testicles. I've been a card-carrying member of the MALE GENDER for 33 years, but after this latest stunt, I've had my nuts revoked, been given a two-piece bathing suit, and initiated into my new sorority of sisterhood. How, you may ask? Well let me explain....

Bear is getting the VIP treatment this week.

My wife and I are headed to Lake Tahoe for the weekend, and the condo we're staying at doesn't allow pets. But rather than have our 2-year-old black Lab Bear tough it out at our empty house by himself all weekend, we will be checking Bear into a HOTEL FOR DOGS.

Yes, that's right. Not only will I be paying for a condo in Tahoe for my wife and I this weekend, but I'll also be paying for accomodations for my dog at a luxury dog kennel on River Road called the Oxton Kennels at Wild Things Resort & Spa. This fact alone would earn me an unpaid suspension for violating the Man Code, but it's the details that got me expelled from the gender permantly.

First off, at the insistence of my wife, we're renting our precious Bear an "Executive Suite" for the weekend. Some of the amenities of the Rin Tin Tin Suite include a 54 sq. foot suite complete with a plush bed, a television (which they keep tuned to Animal Planet), room service meals, a yappy hour (whatever the hell that is), and several professional walks each day. Oh, but it doesn't stop there. With a little extra charge, Bear will be treated to a private 15 minute "Belly Scratch" ($10), a Paw-di-Cure ($12), and a professional grooming. He'll be under round-the-clock care and a doggie attendent will be at the ready at all times.

But just in case that isn't enough to make my wife comfortable, fear not! For shelling out for the Executive Suite, we will be given a username and password that will enable us to log on and view the live webcam in Bear's room! Yes, that's right. From our condo in Tahoe we'll be able to log on to our laptop and watch our dog scratch and lick himself in the comfort of his doggie hotel room! Phew...now I think we can finally relax and have some fun! I can't wait to get done skiing and hurry back to the condo to watch our dog take a nap 300 miles away!

Now, I explained to the folks at the kennel that although we appreciate their efforts...Bear is used to the VIP treatment at home, so I'm going to need them to step it up a notch. For instance, although their policy is to leave the in-room TV on Animal Planet 24-hours a day, Bear happens to be more of an ESPN fan, so I'm going to need them to give him the remote. He prefers hi-def as well, so we've set him up with a 1080 pixel Vizio (his favorite).

The belly-rub is nice, but we've arranged for a full facial and massage package (of course I ponied up for the happy ending). As for the food, I've instructed the on-site chef that Bear likes his steak medium rare and he likes his potatoes twice-baked. The bed is nice, but a little small, and he prefers foam pillows to feather. We're having the linens flown in from a quilt maker in Switzerland.

He likes a glass of Scotch right before he hops in the sack. It will help him get in the mood for some female companionship. Like his Dad, Bear is a sucker for blondes, so I've got him set up with a conjugal visit from a slutty little Border Collie three kennels down from him. Rumor has it she likes it doggie style, and so does Bear. Of course, this encounter will all be recorded on the webcam, so Bear and I will be able to break down the film later and I can critique him on his form and stamina. He's growing up so fast.

I'll make sure and let you all how it goes when we get back. Thanks again for reading.